The Great Yellow Hope

A few of my Catonese friends jokingly refer to me as dai-lo , "big brother." They say it in a joking manner, but they do actually mean it. Many of my friends look up to me.

With my friends, I was almost always the smartest. I knew more. I pick up new things quicker. I was more bold. I led.

Dai-lo was an honorific. These guys really believe in me. And they expect to keep doing things that will impress them. Things that they themselves cannot do. Score points. And these points will accrue to the whole team. My team. And they will somehow share in the glory. Or, as the Cantonese saying goes, "the one who helps the Chinese race capture a bit of air." Air = pride, self-respect.

Well, uneasy sits this crown.

It has been a little embarrassing that right now, I am not doing very much with my life. Mind you, I feel fine about it. My friends are embarrassed.

When we meet, they often ask me what I am doing. Almost half-hoping that I'll tell them that I am doing something so amazing that they will be dazzled again. Or, they will go out and find things for me to do. "Try that," they will say, "you will be great at it and it makes a lot of money."

I remember a few years ago, I was venting to a friend that I was unhappy at a crappy office job I was at. I was dissatisfied with a boss. The response was not what I expected. "Of course," my friend said, "how can a bunch of dumb-asses be your boss. You are too good for them." I thought he was trying to cheer me up, but listening further the conversation, I realized he was being quite literal.

They get confused if I tell them that I had recently failed at something. They will fault me. "Sam, how could you have not done it? You were probably lazy." It is as if, in their mind, I can do anything. The only possible reason how I can not get something done is if I didn't really want to do it in the first place.

This has done the most damage to my self-developement. I almost always take failure as a sign of my own lack of will. Instead, failures are part of life. People fail: they fail often. The good thing though is that people only need one or two success in their lives to live a full life. And the ability to accept the many numerous failures is the most important part of living life. It's okay to fail. Failure is what will eventually bring us those one or two success that we need. I need to start telling my friends that.

Mostly, they are confused about my lack of initiative and action. Wasn't I the one who is always strong when they are weak? The one who advanced when they retreated? The one who held the line. The one who shook the tree. The one who didn't falter. The one who carried the team. The one who stood above. Who flew and glided as everyone else struggled. Why am I not that person anymore?

Personally, I am very comfortable in my current state of limbo. I feel that I need it. I have been having a lot of inner growth. I am maturing in a way I never knew was possible. I am also having fun. Dipping in the fountains that I never knew existed before. The fountains I skipped as I flew. I am having the time of my life. Not just fleshly pleasure. I think I might have achieved a sense of euonia.

It's hard to talk about this sort of inner progress to some of my friends. They had always expected me to be richer, more successful, higher on the societal ladder, be the big man.

Recently, the situation is tense. They still speak reverently around me. But they are embarrassed and frightened. One even told me in Cantonese "if you don't make it, what chances do I have?" I scoffed.

Inwardly, I feel like I am letting down and making them feel that the world is just too tough. I feel like I have to go out and make a big splash. Be a big fish, so that they will feel okay in our little internal pecking order. This top dog is still top dog.

Then I remember why I am here and feel at peace again. That it is worthwhile. Even if I am seeing a lot of disappointed faces on people who count on me. Even if some of them become disallusioned, are avoiding me, gets flushed.

I have my own life to live. Maybe it won't take me anywhere glorious. Or make me rich. But it is my life and it is happening just as much as the tall grass is reaching towards the sky.